It's a thin line...

between love and hate! (my parents, my "lovers") So funny you wrote about that because... well, I am experiencing the same thing and just finished writing something about it that I will now post:

Paris is alive and well, and so am I. I have made some friends. I have been seeing this French guy whom I shall call "J-Man," who is a director, right now he does music videos. He’s 25. I like being around him because he is very smart and we have good conversation. The sexual chemistry is there, which is a good thing I suppose. I have known him only 2 weeks, I have to keep that in mind when I let him get on my nerves. Not just a little, but to the point where I am am fucking disgusted by him and his self-righteousness and well, I don't like feeling like i am "putting up" with someone or something. He is always “so busy” with work bla bla bla. He has this thing where he will not sleep over at my place, he leaves very late. I had never even asked him to, but twice now he has anticipated that I will get mad at him for that so he starts this grave conversation where it seems like he is about to tell me someone died. And most of the time the way he explains it (his English isn’t perfect), is very mean. The first time, he made me cry because I thought he was talking about something completely different.

Sidenote: A part of me would very much like for him to sleep over once, it is nice to be next to a warm body and just, I fun and intimate. On the flip side (apparently I do not have to worry about this) is that most of the time I like having my bed to myself, and I wouldn’t want him to make a habit of sleeping over (Like Charles did in the past, or something).
The fact that he is so so busy and talks about it all the time is, ugh, tiring. The first and second times we hung out were cool because he shared a lot about himself and it was interesting, etc… He showed me some of his work, and some examples of what he aspires to do, his passion. He said that next time, he wanted to learn more about me and for me to teach him about some American poetry. I thought it was sweet, however the next time we hung out, we had sex right away (I have no problem next time being like, umm lets wait or umm I don’t feel like it). We use protection, obviously, he is also very paranoid. AND he has a slight problem keeping an erection. Which is….? Im just mad that he doesnt even give me the chance to say yes, I want you to sleep over, or no, i dont want you to. Because really, I have the right to, and so what if he doesnt like what I say c'est la vie. This is not a dictatorship.

I don’t mind taking things slowly (aka hardly seeing him so there is a lot I still do not know). So I told him that, and we are gonna wait a while till we have sex again. So, back to our rendezvous, basically what happened is we had sex, and then we went to one of his friends apartments, which was great because I had said I wanted to meet his friends and he knew I would like them, smart “artist” types. We had a great time, and of course on the way home, he starts talking about something and finally I realize what it is, and told him to stop projecting, he doesn’t know me or how I feel. I never even said I wanted him to sleep over, in fact, I hadn’t yet thought about it.
He also has this whole thing about how he cant be attached bc of his work. I told him not to flatter himself, I cant be attached to someone ive only just met, that is crazy. But I feel like he is saying it more for his benefit than mine. And at that point I really wanted to punch him in the face and well, I was ANGRY, and I hated him. No doubt about it.

And of course, I have more time on my hands to let things simmer in my brain.
Writing this makes me realize how much this doesn’t work for me. I am emotional enough but to go from hot to cold (love and hate) so quickly, every time, I'm not sure that's healthy??

I am in fact very open to meeting other people. The whole idea was nice, but he irritates me more than he makes me happy. I was hoping for a Valentine… it’s a big thing here.

This is terrible, but back to love/hate (I can't believe I am writing this about my relationship with my mother, but its true. Such a thin line...)
My mom is coming to visit, she will be here on the 13th. I told her if I have a valentine I will be unavailable, she understands. Any suggestions on how to enjoy this time with her, as opposed to feeling like its an imposition? A part of me IS looking forward to it, just fearful of having it go sour.

SO. That is my rant. Thoughts? I am going to go read yours again. I mean, when I think about it, I hate the idea of you going through those ups and downs, and you prob feel the same way about me...so its probably not positive of a pattern?

love
Lauren

Superbowl-less Sunday

It is supposed to snow tonight...I really am very excited. 2-4 inches. We'll see...

Any Superbowl plans? Let me know which commercials are the best lol

I have come out of my "funk" thankfully. Now I just need to get my writing groove on lol.
Reading this book called "Wild Mind" which is about writing, and I can't remember who wrote it and the book is upstairs...a.k.a. i will look later and tell you. She has these really simple writing exercises, along with awesome perils of wisdom, such as: go to a restaurant, cafe and just write, starting with things like: I see, I remember, I do not remember, etc...

The exact wording is upstairs. Does the idea appeal to you of picking one exercise each week? Dates/deadlines are good for me. Obviously, it is free writing, so If we don't want to share it for whatever reason, maybe our post will be a mini reflection on what it was like, if it was hard, etc...

Thoughts?

miss you!
xo
L

PS- reading the Bell Jar, finally. so so good. SO good. I love how she writes, her metaphors are so rich.

This cracks me up

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/01/30/president-sarkozy-on-fren_n_162493.html

Oh, silly French....

Today is the end of fashion week. Would have been cool to have gone to a show. Maybe when I'm famous... :)

Paradox.

I am a paradox. Why do I try to be perfect? I don't even like perfect people! They suck. Of this I am sure (and I am sure of very few things). In fact, I don't even want everyone to like ME. Yet, I'm very...nice. Or I have good manners. Or something. Is it because I am American? Sometimes I wish I did not know French because I wouldn't understand the conversations next to me. And let me tell you, all women do here is talk about other women. Especially when they think you don't understand them.

As for the guy, either he understands me completely and we are on the same page or I am 100% wrong about him. No in-between on this one.

Relationships: I'm talking about with guys, lovers. Well that's my intention.
I want someone to care about me. Yet I don't think anyone really ever could; and its probably true because my personality is such that I attack or disengage before someone even has the chance.
AND at the same time I don't want someone to care about me because I want to care about myself and have that be enough. I don't want to need anybody. That way I can never blame them for dissappointing me. Or something.

I'm not quite sure where that leaves me.

A quickie

Just talked to my shrink. Man, I love my shrink. I wish his sons weren’t married. Is that appropriate?
Hmmm probably not, but maybe I could get away with it in France…

My friends who own the future wine/cheese bar next door had an impromptu party there on Saturday night. I hit it off with a guy named Jonathan. He is French looking, but I am happy to report that he is quite tall and his jeans are not tighter than mine ☺

At around 2am, I we decided to “watch a movie” next door at my place. I was retelling the story to this girl today and she laughed at me, but I really thought we were gonna watch a movie, or at least turn the TV on. Granted, I have no dvds so we obviously couldn’t watch a movie, and it was 2 am AND the middle of the party….but I guess I am naïve lol. He spent the night and we kept it low key… why am I beating around the bush?? We did not have sex, but we made out and spooned, etc… the whole night. He is very smart. He is a producer, right now he does commercials and music videos or something. I say “or something” because I am really not sure (the language barrier, plus I was tipsy, etc…) But he’s so cute!! hehe. So cute, in fact, that I actually straightened up my place because I am seeing him tomorrow.

I bought a quiche to reheat at home (eating out is so expensive) to have for dinner. To my utter dismay and absolute disgust, I discovered that it was curry flavored. Who does that???

Ok, I got distracted…. more to come ☺

xo
LHS

The Gems of (Mi)scommunications No. 1

This is the first in a series of "Gems" that will be appearing in this blog. This section of the site will be updated right away upon a gem's discovery/appearance in my consciousness. Context will appear as time will allow.

At the moment, I must leave to meet a friend at 19:00. (A.k.a. as 7pm...another new adjustment). So, just imagine the epitome of a young, French, ":this generation's version of bohemain," artiste sitting legs crossed, cigarette in hand who, in broken English, brilliantly says:

Poetry is like hope; if you write it in a way people can understand it."

OMG. YES. so lovely. This conversation happened yesterday. Only today when I replayed it in my mind (as us analytical types do), did this idea resonate with me or strike any kind of cord. Cuz it was so...deep.

OR...

maybe because in the moment it is so hard to piece together what someone with a French accent is trying to say in English, that any sort of deeper meaning would surely go over my head.

N'est pas?

xoxo
Lauren (said with a French accent, of course)
:P

J'ai une rendevous. a.k.a There will be Stories....

xo